English Story


Mary had a little lamb and the doctor fainted.
-- Anonymous


Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
-- Steve Bluestone


I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.... This is an ex-parrot.
-- John Cleese, Monty Python, British comedy television show


I love cats because I love my home and after a while they become its visible soul.
-- Jean Cocteau


... I am indebted to the cat for a particular kind of honorable deceit, for a greater control over myself, for a characteristic aversion to brutal sounds, and for the need to keep silent for long periods of time.
-- Colette


What if it was cats who invented technology... would they have tv shows starring rubber sqeak toys?
-- Douglas Coupland


In a cat's eyes, all things belong to cats.
-- English Proverb


I think we are drawn to dogs because they are the uninhibited creatures we might be if we weren't certain we knew better.
-- George Bird Evans


When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the 2 will hover, inches above the ground. With a giant buttered-cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.
-- John Frazee


When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
-- Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts


Women and Cats will do as they please. Men and dogs had better get used to it.
-- Robert Heinlein, Time Enough for Love, Lazarus Long


Love to eat them mousies
Mousie's what I love to eat.
Bite they little heads off
Nibble on they tiny feet.
-- B. Kliban


What kills a skunk is the publicity it gives itself.
-- Abraham Lincoln


It's true that I did get the girl, but then my grandfather always said, "Even a blind chicken finds a few grains of corn now and then."
-- Lyle Lovett, musician, upon marying actress Julia Roberts, 1994


Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside a dog, it's too dark to read.
-- Groucho Marx


The trouble with a kitten is
Eventually it becomes a
-- Ogden Nash


When the mouse laughs at the cat, there is a hole nearby.
-- Nigerian Proverb


A hippo does not have a sting in its tail, but a wise man would still rather be sat on by a bee.
-- Polish proverb


A kitten is chiefly remarkable for rushing about like mad at nothing whatever, and generally stopping before it gets there.
-- Agnes Repplier


There are two means of refuge from the misery of life - music and cats.
-- Albert Schweitzer


Weaseling out of things is good. It's what separates us from the other animals....except weasels.
-- Homer Simpson, character from The Simpsons, U.S. animated television show


I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
-- August Strindberg


The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
-- Lily Tomlin


It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
-- Mark Twain


Man is the only animal that blushes--or needs to.
-- Mark Twain


The more I know about people, the better I like my dog.
-- Mark Twain


We think caged birds sing, when indeed they cry.
-- John Webster


The English country gentleman galloping after a fox--the unspeakable in full pursuit of the uneatable.
-- Oscar Wilde


Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
-- Steven Wright


Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers. You'd see a flock of birds come by, laughing hysterically!
-- Steven Wright