Joke: several affairs

First Affair

There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son that they always wanted.
After months of trying, the Wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said....."Not this time."

Second Affair

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremanted, he discovered the longest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's member.
The coroner stuffed his prize into his briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't beleive." he said, and opened his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" she screamed....."Schwartz is dead!"

Third Affair

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar andasks for a beer.
"Certainly sir, that'll be one cent."
"ONE CENT!" exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied "Yes."
So the guy glances over at the menu and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?"
"Certainly sir" replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"4 cents", he replies.
"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."